Whistler

Wow it's been a while since i wrote anything. Sucks..... well i do have the excuse that i have been away and really busy. I left for tremblant on feb 13th with Josh and his parents. I was a bit hesitant at first and worried because i had only ever skied once before (and broke my leg) and his family are big ski fanatics. What if i hated it or fell and broke something again..i was pretty nervous...but of course i loved it, best experience ever. I learned to trust myself and not give up. It took me a while to get comfortable and i did hesitate a lot at the beginning (as josh could confirm..a few fights later) but i had an amazing teacher. It was also nice because i got to get to know joshes parents and just hang out with them..funny people they really are great. we had crepes and wine and me and josh even managed to get drunk on night (him more then me..I'm a terribly sharer :-) )

wow i have to go..I'm timed on the internet and i have 1 minute left. I'll come back and update some more tomorrow but for now I'm off to eat some lunch and study..Wow studies in whistler..Oh yah I'm in whistler not tremblant anymore..I'll update later...


see yah......

How can i forget you?

JOSHUA!!

hehe i like your name..and i live you!!!!

Wow so gossip time :-).. okay so Monday night...best night EVER!!!! I come home from studing at school at around 12:30pm..(who studies at 12:30 pm on a monday???) Josh had just called from "B.C" and i was waiting for him to call back...which was taking a while. I hoped in the shower and since it felt soooo good i thought "i'll just enjoy the shower untill he calls..." the water was really warm. Okay so 20 min and a few wrinkles later i thought that maybe he forgot about me and decided to get out and go to bed...a bit disappointed. So i get out, dry myself off and proceed into my room......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH someone is in my room..in the dark..and it's a strange man!!! who the hell is that..i walk a bit close..why i didn't run i don't know..tom? no who the..shit it's Joshua..what why isn't he in B.C? Ya totally shocked..i don't think i said anything for like an hour, and it didn't hit me that he was back until i went to work the next day. Pinch is this a dream? So speachless. I'm writing this blog like one week later and i still can't explain how i feel. I think i'm soo overwhelmed that i'm confused.
I can't begin to explain how grateful i am that he's here. It means more to me than i can describe. Now it's real not just something we're waiting on. It's weird cause for the last week i had fantasys that he's come home and surprise me..but i never thought for a second that they would come true..i thought i'd be the one coming into his life in B.C..i'm happy :-) It's funny cause the last few days on the phone with him have been wierd..he askes me on sunday night if he could see me everyday next week..and if we could have a date on tuesday..yeah i didn't actually think for a second he meant it..he's weird like that daily. He was also soooo excited for monday..okay he had to work on monday..some people get excited about their jobs..he does skii and teach little kids as a job so it's not wierd to be excited about that..wow he i'm sure had fun on the phone with me those last few days...
I'm so glad he's here..i think it's good beacuse it's not unrealistic anymore, it's not based on 3 days...phone calls and 10 days in B.C on vacation (for me)... who wouldn't get along that way.
After spending the last few days with him i'm not so scared anymore. The feeling that we were projecting this unrealistic image of each other beacuse of the nature of our relationship is passing. He's just such a gueinuine person who really wants other poeple to be happy. Anytime i hear his voice i automatically get so happy and energitic beauce he radiats so much positive energy. What a refreashment!!!
I know i don't express myself so great with him, but i think a small part of me is still holding back..he is going back to B.c for a month than coming home for a week and leaving again. i've just been so jaded and sooooo wrong before..plus i know i'm going to miss him like hell..but only time will tell. I'm still here and willing to see what life throws my way this time..if nothing else he's already touched me and givin me more than he realizes.. a breath i needed to take.

"But I'm not to sure.. how i'm suppose to feel or what i'm suppose to say but...i'm not sure not to sure how it feels to handle everyday.....and i miss you love.." silverchair

"Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again ....
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone"
Savage graden..crash and burn

Bye Bye Family

Well it's been a while since I've written. Wow so much has happened I don't know where to start.

Well my dad is leaving. He sold the house and is going to Brazil for what he says will only be a few months...hummm lets see; girlfriend in Brazil..Hot weather....Nice beach house....Family....come on it's Brazil..he's not coming back :-(. Really I didn't think it would affect me, but since he's the only parent I have here and the only family besides my younger sis.
I guess it's hitting me harder than I thought. It's just weird to think that really I have no guardian.... which I know most people find amazing but it's sort of a lonly scared feeling.. I have my sis which is amazing and the only thing keeping me sane. At least I have family (blood related) here....... but I feel more pressure because I'm all she has, and I'm the big sis...I have to be there for her, and I WANT to.

I feel like now I can make it up to her. I know that when she was younger she felt like I abandoned her, but it wasn't that, she was leaving for Brazil... (what a concept, people I care about leaving!! really...who would of thought) and I was so upset....... I didn't want her to know it..so panties I should have been there for her, and I should have told her I wanted her to stay...no regrets a lesson learned.

What to do... man why can't I just have a family that ALL lives in one place, well I can have that, but I just have to give up so much to get that.... and convince my sis to do it to!!. I'm glad my parents brought me to Canada to give us a better life, away from the crime, poverty and sadness in Brazil despite it's greatness.... but sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if we stayed there. Their divorce would have been easier on me and my sis.... we'd have a safe place to go like my grandma's or aunts...That, along with the fucked up years that followed (including my dad's anger and temper and my mom and sis leaving) may not have occurred. And if it did there is nothing like family to pick up the ...they would have picked up the pieces..not to say that my friends weren't there, cause god they were but without taking credit away from them family is family. But still I survived those bad years, and I grew up and I think i've done pretty good.....I have awesome goals in school and a great " family" here..how can I give all that up for a family that I never really got to know. I rememmber how much I loved my family and how close we were 15 years ago when I lived there..there really was no happier place for me, but that was 15 years ago..can I give it all up for that ghost??? How can I leave it all behind..I don't think i'm ready for that just yet.... there just to many what if's here.

what's important in life??

Wowo the past few days have been a blurr. My best friends mom passed away. She was really sick, but that never makes it easier. I can't even begin to express how much i admire this girl. She's going thru something i can't even try to understand and she's still amasing. It's times like this when you realize what matters, what's important and that shit things like money, boyfrinds, work, gas money, school work, not any of that matter. Friendship, family, support, honesty, these are what's important. I just don't understand how people can't see this. How people can be so blinded to notice the things that truely matter around them, especially in the face of the dealth of a loved one, or by the dealth of a loved one of someone you love. How can you see poeple suffering, grieving the loss of someone who's there center, there reality there world and not be affected, not want to drop everything and just be there.

You learn a lot as you move thru life, everything that happens is another lesson. How can you not just take a moment and try and understand it, learn from it, absord it. Maybe shity thing happen in your life to make you stronger, to make you appreciate the things you have and treasure them before they too are taken from you.

Just let it go
no ones' watching just go slow
remember the past don't dwell on the loss
let me be a friend no matter the cost

new years pics...

for those interasted..the new year pics are up..they can be seen by clicking on the New year Pic's 2006 link on the right of the page!!

enjoy :-)

for you....smelly belly

caught in lifes web
i admire your strength
the unfairness of reality
i wish i could change her mortality

dealth is to real to ignore
life is to short to let go
dangling by a thin string
you weave it into a beautiful swing

the pain of lossing
you can't replace what you've lost
don't regreat the unsaid
just remember what's best

dying is a part of the cycle
somehow that makes it harder
it's like a tide that breaks your back
if it's strong enough it'll leave you a wreak

take comfort in the now
let people love you as they know how
understand that it's not for you to understand
just take a breath and hold my hand

let the sea wash her away
don't worry their's no more pain
let the wind mold her into her beauty
let the sunlight ease away her duties

free to play with the stars
she'll sparkle as loud as they are
free to dance in the clouds
her face as gentle as the wind sounds


i love you
i'll always be here for you

love is...

love is patient and kind
it is never jealous
love is never boustfull or conceded
it is never rude or selfish
it does not take offense
it is not resentful

it's a virgin...??

okay so i've heard way to much about this blog thing..so i thought i'd give it a try. I guess i'm just suppose to use it as a journal..and write down what ever the heck i want..okay so here goes!!! Today was my first day back to school. I'm at york U finishing my kine degree (for those of you who don't know what it is...look it up cause i'm tired of explaining it!!). I entend to do my masters in stem cell (molecular bio with Hawke if he'll have me) when i'm finally done (god doesn't even know when)..then off to med school unless i finally realize what a crazy..long..tedious..long...long.. process it is and settle for my phD instead.

so back to my first day at school..it was great, i have lots of classes with Brat(study buddy) which is rockin cause we totally modivate each other!! And to my surprise i have class with his rockin chickita Ashley..So all class long we made fun of my prof's comb over..and how he's such a poindecter (if that's not how you spell it..it should be :-). wow that class (computer science..intro) will totally suck..thank god for bart and his humor!!

So now it's 1am..and i have class at 7am and i can't sleep as usual..so here i am..talking about my day..not to intreasting but i'll try and scoop up some gossip!! I haven't really talked to joshua today..brefly..i miss that kid!!!

Josh update: okay..short version, we meet at school..we started hanging out..we started studing together..we banged i liked it....hehehe :-0 anyways not important..he left for BC...to teach skiing before he ventures back into my world of masters..and school..and lot's and lots of work. So i of cource though nothing of it..just a friendship, maybe we'll stay in touch, maybe not but i'd like to..ya totally NOT what happened. Let's just say we talk everyday..for like 2hourse about anything and everything, and i'm going to see him in feb.. 34 days baby (wow that's soooooo long). I guess we just clicked..but i have to say this is definatly an experience, i mean i'm dating my phone..in my opion i think he's worth the wait, then when i get there (yeah 34 days..) then we can figure out if this crazyness is worth it..which i think it is :-).My only concern is that beacuse this is a phone relationship maybe we have this picture of each other, and it's jaded (hehe bunny rabbit..ahh le peu..sorry only josh will get that). and when we see each other we'll be dissapointed..but i guess we have to wait and see...

anyways i should probably wrap this up...i have to get to bed..early day tommorow...i'll talk more about this gossip later...hehehe you don't even realize..

find out who you are..and do it on purpose!!!